May 21, 2019 was the worst day of my life. It wasn’t just the fact that I had lost my father, it was the way in which he departed. As I wrote in my memoir All But Six, the events of that day left me feeling shocked and traumatized. I relived each painful detail over and over for about a year.
On this five year anniversary, I am shocked for a very different reason. When I set out to cure my PTSD, I never thought that someday I would feel blessed by so many positive events—directly tied to releasing my story. By sharing it with the world, I have been given so much in return. Sometimes it feels overwhelming to process all that has transpired.
When Terry Troy left the world, I couldn’t ignore the large void that felt like a cold, empty space once occupied by his deep voice, laughter and love. My mind searched for the memories of his handsome face, how he smelled, and what he sounded like when I made him laugh. I spent vast amounts of energy trying to keep him alive in my minds-eye and heart. I feared that one day he would only be a bittersweet, fading memory that I struggled to hold tight.
On this day five years ago, I can honestly say I felt more alone than I had in a very long time. I didn’t understand why it played out the way it did. Since I always look for the purpose in the pain, I knew I had to figure it out—make sense of it so I could squash the intense anger that had built up inside of me. When I finally processed the pain and finished my book I realized that I needed that fuel to get through it. If I had not been driven to make sure my father’s life mattered, I probably wouldn’t have published my story. And if I had not released my book, I wouldn’t be spending today reflecting on the one hundred and eighty degree turn my world has taken.
I don’t remember giving my life permission to take any detours, but it sure feels like I’m a passenger on this journey. Kind of like those times you find yourself screaming in your car at the Australian accent barking orders at you:
“No Siri! I don’t want to take a U-turn!”
But then your car turns anyway because perhaps Siri knows better. So many events have happened that cannot be explained. There’s been a major energy shift all around me; reflected in ways that I did not choose.
I wrote the book with intense honesty. I shared some funny moments, but also some ugly times; moments I could’ve handled myself better. To my surprise I opened an invisible door for others to share their hidden stories. So many people have reached out to say that by me telling my truth, they felt brave enough to speak theirs. Strangers confessed struggles, shame and the desire to feel free from their pasts. They’ve become more open in their relationships and their loved ones have benefited. My father lives on when they share my book and I am so deeply touched by this.
Through social media I have heard from so many old co-workers, clients, friends and classmates. Many of whom had no idea what my experience had been. Some of them sent me messages stating that they had read the book and discovered that we had a lot in common. They felt relieved that they were not alone. A few had mentioned that I had accurately put into words emotions that they could never articulate. One old friend told me that I was definitely not alone and that he had felt a very similar way when he lost his mother.
Why did it take writing my book for me to know these things? Why don’t we share these intense rites of passage? I felt privileged to hear from these people who were brave enough to share some of the most vulnerable moments of their lives with me. A true honor.
When I wrote about my past, I didn’t expect it to come raging up from behind and engulf me with so many opportunities to reconnect with memories and people that I thought were lost forever. I received several messages from cousins that I had missed and not spoken to in decades. And subsequently enjoyed hours of long calls and texts recalling all the crazy things we used to do to torment our parents and grandparents. (And reliving all the times we nearly lost our lives on the farm, too!) Second cousins had reached out—some I had never met or only briefly when they were small children. A very sweet uncle sent me supportive notes, and clipped the local newspaper article when I showed up in it— sharing how proud he thought my father would’ve been of me. A wonderful conversation on Facebook with Auntie Pam, whom I’ve always remembered was brave enough to teach me how to drive a stick in her 3-on-the-floor 1978 Gremlin.
Many heartfelt talks with a brother I haven’t seen since 1994. Learning more about a niece and her beautiful children and gaining an opportunity to become an aunt, (and great aunt) is a priceless gift I never saw coming. Speaking with a new sister-in-law and feeling instantly connected after she read my story was definitely not on my radar. Learning that old wounds have healed because my book paved the way for truth and forgiveness, was beyond my wildest expectation.
In addition to hearing from strangers and people from my past, this book journey has deepened lifelong relationships, too. So many of my closest friends feel they understand me a little better. Many didn’t remember or didn’t know the details that influenced me along the way. By sharing, it has allowed a window into my soul and opened a world they didn’t know existed—in turn allowing them to love me even more.
The love and support I’ve received from the parents of my soul sisters; Glee, Holly and Victoria will forever melt my heart. These amazing humans and role models, have known me since I was ten years old and continue to make my world a much better place. To say it’s overwhelming and I am grateful is a major understatement.
To learn that so many people that I know, and don’t know, have left me reviews on Amazon stating that my book helped them understand their own pasts better, blows me away! To hear from total strangers that they don’t feel alone anymore because I’m in the world, leaves me speechless.
Five years after my father passed away I still have a relationship with him. I get his messages in ways that can only be understood if you’ve experienced it yourself. Today, I feel surrounded by more love than I have felt in decades. I’m beyond grateful for the U-turn that the universe has barked at me to take.
To add to my strength and confidence from my intense past experiences, I am acutely aware of what is important in life. I will never sit by quietly and idly, when someone I love needs help and support. Perhaps that perspective is the greatest gift this journey has given me.
A memory that I thought would only cause me pain forever has turned out to deliver more gifts than I can put into words. (Thanks Daddy for continuing to bless my life—I love and miss you!)
Folks, take the scary path! It might just give you a life you never thought was possible. Be real, be brave and I promise you’ll be rewarded. Thanks for sharing this journey with me.
Love, Terrina
PS—Also, thank you for sharing my book with your loved ones. And writing those 5-star reviews—I’m so grateful!!
